Goodbye 2005….

Another year has gone…. In this midst of agony, I had a deep thought of my life… Who am i? Yea, I know I’m GCZ… But who is it within this concrete physical body? What kinda human am i? True, but shamefully, I’ve not been a good person for past 20 years….. So, this blog shall be a testimony of me!

ARROGANCE…. Yes, I think I’m pretty arrogant… Not that I look down at others, but at times, I feel I can hide my feeling of disgust of others if I particularly dislike that person… I remember I wrote an essay about how my F6 school irritates me, from the management, dirty politics, etc to my MUET teacher. She almost freaked out how a student can have such anger towards an institution that educates her. Till this day, I still refuse to be affiliated with that school. I was never proud of it, and I don’t think I will ever be because of the pea-sized-brain people there. I’m talking bout the management, not the friends whom I met there (They are great people, who really helped me through the daylight-nightmare I encountered in that place)… Then, there was this time, an acquaintance (I would assign him that), that I really felt irritated about, tried to jump into the conversation I was having with my buddy, but I ignored him all the way, not laying a single eye contact at him. Within 5 minutes, he got the signal and left me all alone. Not a single feeling of guilt caught me. Man, I hate my self, but I know I’ll hate myself even more if I put up a mask and live my life according to social expectation. I live my life for myself, MYSELF, not for you freaks out there, who has a social-meter, judging and grading me a value between -100 to +100. I know by the time I publish this blog, it shall drop to -200, but I don’t care, you are not me, I’m not you, so I don’t have to behave like you. Like it or not, I shall behave this way, people who don’t like me, get the hell out of my life!

Tiny voice within me: But the profession u chose requires you to be down to earth.

BING BANG, reality just hit me! Jus as what the uninvited guest had lectured us about, you have to maintain a good relationship with the lecturers. You don’t have to ‘bodek’ them, just put up a smiling face. I wont take your life away rite? And be nice to ur 3rd yr buddy, cuz they are the ones u are gonna rely on when u r in 2nd yr. WTF? I need to be hypocrite? Another downstream of my rollercoaster life… And I wanna stressed out again although I’m unhappy with myself for doing things that will be labeled as arrogant, I’ll feel even worse pretending, jus to strip off the stupid label…. I don’t think I ever can and will… Just keep my fingers crossed that everyone I meet in my life would be those I adore, those I feel good with, so I don’t have to put up a mask!

So much for today! In the next few days, I shall reveal more and more values within me that I really hate about myself! Adore me, hate me, its your choice. I DON’T GIVE A DAMN!